As I went for my morning walk, I discovered that old trigger I've known for so long-REJECTION! And like an onion, I'd also uncovered a few others like unimportant, unworthy and invisible.
These emotions have been active for most of my life and I've been a work in progress. But I felt very inspired to share my experience in the hopes it could help someone else.
...and the golden feather part is coming.
My first experience of the day was walking my kids to school. On the way home I saw coming in my direction, a woman pushing an over sized stroller. I asked, from my inner voice, whether she would be sharing the sidewalk with me or if I'd have to get out of the way completely. Well, she took up the whole entire space without a word or a smile as I stepped aside...and in to mud. That's when the, "I'm not worthy" program kicked in.
Not long after, there came a middle aged couple (meaning old enough to know better), heading to the sidewalk that I was walking on. Of course they walked right in front of me and continued at their own very slow pace, totally ruining my groove and forcing me to slow down. There were two of them and not one of them bothered to notice I was there! How rude! Or maybe I should say, that's when the "I guess I just don't matter" program kicked in.
Reactions like these can happen so fast that we feel we have no choice in the matter. It can lead to many of us feeling like ....(dun dun duuuun!) VICTIMS!
And since I chose to not check in and get present with myself, even after two unwelcoming experiences, I continued suffering in the comfort of the age old internal programs that either came from an experience of something super emotional or just simply from what I'd seen or heard over and over again. Programs originally memorized for saving me from some kind of danger.
There is a golden feather!
And so the third timely experience of that day was when I found myself attracting some kid on a bike. I'd never seen this kid before. He was riding probably lost in thought, towards me up on the sidewalk. I myself was deeply consumed in my own "I don't matter" program, but still I stepped aside not looking for any response or reaction from him. As I moved out of his way, I wished the kid love, health and happiness, using the"fake it till you make it" method where you don't quite feel it but at least you're trying!
I then decided to practice my walking love meditation and to make that walk a deep awareness of love. It was this walk that awakened the golden feather within me.
The golden feather has awakened!
I knew already that this golden feather was of pure perfection and pure love and that THE "victim" feeling, as opposed to MY victim feeling, was built on something from the past and then emotionally filed away in to my energy field, along with other programs.
I blessed all my experiences of that day because they each helped me to notice what was continuously existing in me that never attracted any great reward. I was keeping myself confined and identified with "safety programs" because I was afraid of letting go of who I thought I was-the waste-able human being. That WAS my identity and if that were taken away, then I wouldn't know who I am! I believe my depression fed off of those programs while the golden feather remained buried underneath.
Recognizing the "rejection programming", meaning all the programs beneath the one, were now brought to light and the golden feather was exposed. I was given an incredible lift of creative and productive energy, inspiring me to go forth with ease and very little effort.
We may go through this process of few times until we realize there is nothing trying to hurt us. It's just letting us know what may be in us that we don't allow ourselves to accept because of our fear of it-or attachment to it-the part of us we've held so long to. We are not broken! The golden feather, the perfection and love is who we already are! We are just uncovering what is NOT us so we can expose what we already are-love. When we act as it and do as it, we are being it.
And so it only makes sense for me to understand that the golden feather doesn't require any thank you's pardon me's or validations of any kind. These are nice things to say but the fact is that many times we are just lost in our programs and we are living with each others programs.
And now we have the chance to discover programs that cover the activation of the golden feather within us.
Through any act of love, even if you think it goes unappreciated, it's still your experience of it.
Golden feather re-activate!